Getting your annual performance review from your boss can be
awkward and irritating. Can you imagine getting one from your spouse?
A growing number of marriage therapists and
relationship researchers recommend that spouses and romantic partners
complete periodic performance reviews. Couples typically wait too long
to go to therapy for help, they say. By taking time to regularly
evaluate and review their relationship together, partners can recognize
what is and isn’t working—and identify goals for improvement—long before
problems become entrenched and irresolvable.
“It’s the
relationship equivalent of the six-month dental checkup,” says James
Cordova, professor of psychology and director of the Center for Couples
and Family Research at Clark University, in Worcester, Mass.
This
isn’t an exercise to be taken lightly. Couples have to be careful, and
constructive, when sharing their assessments. Fairness is crucial. And
for couples in a relationship crisis, a performance review is unlikely
to help.
Research shows that regular checkups improve
relationships. In a study published in Sept., 2014, in the Journal of
Consulting and Clinical Psychology, Dr. Cordova and his colleagues gave
216 married couples questionnaires asking them to assess the biggest
strengths and weaknesses in their relationship. Half the couples then
saw a therapist for a checkup of two sessions to go over their
evaluations and brainstorm a plan to address their concerns. The other
half were told they were on a waiting list and didn’t discuss their
assessments in a checkup.
The researchers, who followed up with
the couples after one and two years, found those who had performed the
checkup saw significant improvements in their relationship satisfaction,
intimacy and feelings of acceptance by their partner, as well as a
decrease in depressive symptoms, compared with the couples in the
control group who didn’t perform a checkup. In addition, the couples who
had the most problems in their marriage before the checkup saw the most
improvement.
Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks, relationship coaches and
authors of multiple books on marriage, who have been married 34 years
and live in Ojai, Calif., schedule informal discussions with each other
every Tuesday and Thursday, where they talk about problems or conflicts
that have arisen in the past few days. In one recent discussion, Mr.
Hendricks told his wife he has been feeling “left out” because she has
been traveling so much for work lately, and she assured him that her
schedule was going to lighten up soon.
“It gives us a safe, sure place to talk about our emotions,” says Ms. Hendricks, a psychologist, who is 67.
The
spouses sit down for a more formal marriage review once every few
months, but they are careful to focus on the relationship and not cast
blame. They ask themselves, “How are we doing working together as a
partnership?” and discuss areas where they need to improve. They examine
their top three goals—for example, “working together as a team for our
children,” “working together toward financial goals” or “being together
so we both have a great sexual experience.” And they talk about how they
can make their differences work for them. “It’s like taking the pulse
of the relationship,” says Mr. Hendricks, 70, and a psychologist.
Dr.
Cordova says while men often resist marriage therapy, they tend to
appreciate marriage reviews, because they focus on a couple’s strengths
and goals, as well as solving problems without blame.
But how do you review your marriage?
Remember
that this is the person you love, and don’t be too critical. “You can’t
approach it as you would a subordinate you supervise at work,” says
Shannon Battle, a marriage and family therapist in Fayetteville, NC.
“You can’t fire your spouse. This is ‘til death do us part.’ ”
Multiple
research studies on people’s reactions to performance reviews show that
when people feel they have been treated unjustly, they become hostile,
But when they feel they have been treated fairly and respectfully, they
accept the message of the review.
Rebecca Chory, a professor at
Frostburg State University’s business school, in Maryland, who studies
reactions to negative feedback, has identified six strategies for giving
an effective performance review:
Address the behavior, not the person.
Couch your comments with affirmation. “Do not put down your partner,”
Dr. Chory says. She recommends saying, “I love you and want to be with
you, but there are these behaviors…” or “When you did this, I felt
this…”
Explain why you came to your conclusion. What contributed to your assessment? Provide a rationale.
Show that you are aware of the other person’s situation.
Is your partner stressed, overworked, sick? Acknowledge the challenges
he or she has been facing and how they may have contributed to the
behavior you don’t like.
James Cordova James V. Cordova, Ph.D,
professor of psychology and director of the Center for Couples and
Family Research at Clark University, has studied how regular
relationship checkups affect partners’ satisfaction.
Be consistent over time.
This doesn’t mean you can nag. But you should never criticize your
spouse for something one time and laugh it off another. “A person needs
to know what to expect, the rules of the game” says Dr. Chory.
Allow the other person to respond and provide input. The review should be a conversation, not a lecture. And a lot of misunderstandings can be cleared up when people talk openly.
Be clear about what you would like to change. What can be done to improve the situation?
As
for the review itself, Dr. Cordova says you should always begin by
identifying your strengths as a couple. “It is the positive foundation
that keeps a relationship happy and healthy in the long run,” he says.
Then
move on to discussing your concerns—but limit yourself to one or two.
“You don’t want to kitchen-sink the thing,” Dr. Cordova says. And you
don’t need to come up with a solution right away. Aim to understand your
partner and to have your partner understand you.
If
the review makes your relationship worse, or causes a lot of arguing,
you may need relationship counseling. “If you are doing it well, you can
tell because you will feel closer to each other and will each feel
understood,” Dr. Cordova says.
Culled from The Wall Street Journal
